Robert Englund gets top bill in this crap-train collision. Seriously, Lake Placid vs Anaconda? A snake versus a body of water? That’s your title? Well, technically it is, but we know the truth – it’s just two titles of other movies (dare I assume, better films which isn’t saying much) tied together in a vain effort to get viewers. Well, it worked on me I guess… But I’m watching this for free, with no advertisements, so I guess the joke is on them? I’d still like to point out that this movie was already made… Well, anyway, lets carve up this turd.
In some random wooded area a group of hillbillies set up some lifting straps on the ground and manage to get a giant crocodile to place itself perfectly in the middle of them. Freddy, I mean Robert Englund shoots the beast with a tranquilizer dart and it immediately takes effect. OK, the animal is massive… probably supposed to be 12-15 feet and one dart had enough tranquilizing agent to instantly make it fall asleep? No way.
In the next scene the crocodile is in a mobile lab along with a group of anacondas, I suppose. The lab technician explains the plot to us – the male snakes will mate with the female snake. And it will have baby snakes. OK… true. So far this lab technician is about as informative as my middle-school gym teacher during sex-ed class. We know that snakes make whoopi, but why do you need a crocodile? What role does it play in all this? Or does it just like to watch.
Robert Englund requests his payment from this other guy, lets call him Dingus Magee and receives a bag of cash. Dingus Magee then asks “Don’t you want to count it?” Bobby-E says he would, but he doesn’t have a thumb. Oh, I forgot to mention that Bobby-E is sporting a hook on his left arm – a prop that matches the fake leg his character also has. It is implied that a crocodile attacked him and took the two limbs… either that or it was an old football injury. Rose Bowl, 1978. And we would have won if Coach would have kept me in the game.
Lab tech B injects the female anaconda with “the mutated cells”. What are they trying to do here? What is the purpose? Lab tech A explains to Dingus Magee that the female snake is genetically engineered to do everything faster, which includes laying eggs faster. Wonderful. Thanks dude. Just what we need, more snakes. Then, the crocodile wakes up and tears through it’s restraints like they weren’t there. It eats Lab Tech A while Lab Tech B and Bobby-E run. Magically, several holes form in the snake containment bays and they all get out of the truck. Dingus Magee drives the truck through a fence, that was there to keep everything inside the area… and then the truck explodes as he leaps towards the camera. Afterwards, the truck must have disintegrated because the crocodile walks through the opening and there is no more fire and barely any material from the massive truck and mobile lab in the fence hole.
We are introduced to the town sheriff and the mayor, who is a close-talker. The local law enforcement discovered the truck and lab remains, nice that they suddenly returned… then the camera man takes us to a hotel room with a naked girl laying in bed and oh my, we are treated to a sweet pair of… pillows. Then her stoner boyfriend returns and they get it on. The camera pans down to underneath the bed and there’s a crocodile down there. Wait… wut? There are screams and that scene is over. LOL… Ok, Ok… so the crocodile was under the bed since they got the room like a week ago? Or it sneaked in when the guy went out for food? It waited outside the door, then got in undetected as he let himself out? Is that what crocodiles do now? Is this Big Boss wearing the Croc Cap?
Back to the plot. Ms. Doctor Evil Business Woman explains the revised story to Dingus Magee. Now there is an evil corporate empire that wants to make some kind of ‘fountain of youth’ tonic (Umbrella maybe?)… and the genetically engineered snakes and or the crocodile were the key to it… you’ve got to be kidding me with this stuff. It’s too stupid to follow. I’m glad these people get paychecks, but seriously what is this garbage they are putting on TV?
Meanwhile, two cars full of dumb crocodile-bait… I mean, lovely young women, the future of America discuss college life and the difficulties of getting into a sorority. We are still introducing new characters. I’m sure I’m supposed to be arroused by these females, but I’m pretty much repulsed. There is ONE girl who is not like the others, she is thoughtful, smart (because they announced her SAT score, 2350) and not a bitch like the others, so she will survive. The rest are the typical ‘scream-queen’ types, dumb, annoying and probably did unspeakable things to the producer to get their roles. Oh, the glamorous life of an actress – bring kneepads when you come to LA, ladies.
Deep in the woods, a fat hunter and his fat hunter son complain about being hungry. So, fat hunter son goes to the truck to get a snack. While he’s gone a pack of baby crocodiles crawl onto the fat hunter and eat him alive. Talk about fatty foods… you guys are gonna need to double your treadmill time tonight.
Back at the truck and lab remains, the sheriff finds a dead crocodile and cuts it open to see what’s inside. Nothing strange… a cell phone, panties and a human foot. The sheriff laughs about it and then the mayor shows up. He gets mad and tells her to call Fish & Wildlife because “My ass is on the line.” Funny, usually the mayor in these movies is the one who DOESN’T want outside help coming into town. So, the sheriff calls the father of the smart not-croc-bait girl, Tull. He agrees to come check out the mayhem.
Back in the deep woods, Lab Tech B is awakens and climbs out of a hole in the ground (not a good place to hide from something that crawls, buddy). I paused the film to go brush my teeth, all the time I knew that as soon as I push play, this guy is going to die. It’s kinda cool having that kind of power. It must be what God feels like… push a button and this dude meets his end. I’m gonna tease him a little and hover my finger over the play button… Oh, Ohh, Ohhhh, nope. Not yet… Annnnnd, now! LOL yup… saw it coming a MILE away.
Now the stupid chicks are on the lake shore… OK, some of them are pretty hot. Ugh, there is a goth chick and she thinks she’s hilarious. I got bad news for you, Honey, you’re not. Why would a goth, or emo or whatever she is want to be in a sorority? Anyway, the leader of the sorority is a total jerk. Again, why?
Back in town the sheriff and Tull meet at the coroner’s place. Typical movie trope, he’s eating lunch and doing an autopsy at the same time. It’s supposed to be macabre and disturbing but it just got an eye-roll from me. Afterwards, we take a ride with Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman and Dingus Magee. They talk about their evil global plans and other evil stuff… I zoned out for a second and I don’t think I missed anything. After that we are back at the lake where the girls are frolicking. Goth girl and Smart girl are bonding over bottled water while the other’s get drunk. Two dudes show up and steal away two chicks while the goth girl explains why she is there – to study the pledges. The smart girl is there because her mom was a member of the sorority… so, she has to be??
The sheriff and Tull check his equipment to see where the local crocodiles are going – since most of them were electronically tagged. The system is down. But Tull noticed that the last reading indicates that they were all heading towards one particular part of the lake – where his daughter is. So, he calls her phone and she doesn’t answer. In a rush, he gets in his truck and invites the sheriff to come… she does. Wait, doesn’t she have a job to do? Anyway, while that is going on, Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman, Dingus Magee and their two bodyguards (who are open-carrying handguns) go into town to a small bar. Dingus Magee and Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman go in to meet someone while the two bodyguards are ordered to stay outside and ‘look normal’. First of all, that’s hard to do with you are wearing black tactical gear and have a pistol hanging off your plate-carrier. Second, you are walking into a bar to meet someone who doesn’t like you… wouldn’t you want your two bodyguards with you? The two go into the bar and find the man she is seeking out – Robert Englund, ol Bobby-E (because spellcheck keeps changing Englund into England).
Back at the lake, two girls take a boat ride with two jocks. One jock does the whole waterboarding while holding a line thing… I don’t remember what that’s called. The other is operating the steering and acceleration of said boat. As you can tell I really know a lot about recreational boating. So one of the two girls who came along walks up to the front where the guy is steering and he says “Hey, baby, you know my boat is top-optional.” She asks “Does that line ever work?” As if she is repulsed by the cheesy, creepy innuendo. Then, she takes her top off. Well, honey, you can’t criticize a stupid young man for being sexist and sleazy when you reward him for such behavior. I’ll never understand why young men are so stupid and gross and why young women just eat it up. Why do young beautiful women like knuckle-dragging assholes?
The guy steering the boat says “How about a little suck-face, huh?” And as the girl rewards his poetic, romantic request the guy on the waterboard gets eaten whole by a shadowy creature from the deep. The other girl rushes to the front and reports what she saw. The guy, being a wonderful person disregards what she told him and accuses his friend of playing a joke. He complains that the rope cost $200 and that he didn’t appreciate it being ruined as a practical joke…
Meanwhile, back at the shore the girls are all wading in the lake as the giant crocodile swims towards them. It’s on top of the water and they don’t see it?! Well, the crocodile kills this chick who looks exactly like my cousin. So that sucks. And at the same time, another giant crocodile leaps out of the water and eats the boating enthusiast. Three more girls get eaten as the sheriff and Tull, wait, four more girls get eaten as sheriff and Tull drive towards the lake. Oops, five girls. The chicks reached their cars but none of them have keys – they are still in their bikinis. So, the smart girl takes a can of tanning spray and asks if anyone has a lighter. No, of course not… they are in bikinis. Wait, the goth girl has one. Well where the hell was she keeping it? She didn’t have any pockets… It works, she uses the spray like a blowtorch and distracts the crocodiles long enough for the last girl to get away.
In the woods, Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman, Dingus Magee, Bobby-E and their bodyguards are hunting down the snakes or crocodiles or both or something. In the same woods, Tull and the Sheriff get ambushed by a two ton crocodile (we already established in the hotel room that they can be very very quiet). It knocks them both down with it’s tail and then slowly approaches the sheriff. Funny. They quickly attacked the girls and never turned to attack with their tails – the just bit everything in sight. Now, they do a 180 and knock down the prey before s l o w l y advancing on them. Well, it matters not because a snake jumped on the crocodile’s back and started fighting it. Yeah, it JUMPED onto the crocodile and then started wrapping itself around the beast. After it got good and tight the crocodile exploded from the pressure. Then, the snake just slithered away… it saved the humans and now is off to fight another day. Seriously?!
After chasing the snake for a while, the two turn and head back towards the lake shore. Along the way, Tull says that the green anaconda is the largest snake in recorded history. FALSE. The longest living snake is a 49 foot Indonesian python and the largest snake known to ever exist is the 190 foot-long Titanaboa. Suck on that Tull.
After waiting for an hour the goth chick remembers that she can hot-wire cars. So, she does. Then, the rich stupid mean girl in the driver seat forgets how to drive and wrecks the SUV. As soon as that happens a giant anaconda wraps itself around the vehicle and crushes the SUV with one girl still inside. Right…
So the group of evil business people are at the lake, finally, and they come across a group of crocodiles. Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman orders them to shoot and then Dingus Magee says ‘No’ “Killing them would be a federal offense.” What!? You are worried about the law, all the sudden? Well, again, these things are like nature’s ninjas because a two-ton crocodile sneaks up on one of the super-tactical bodyguards and tackles him, then starts eating him alive. The others just watch until Dingus Magee decides to just shoot the man AND the crocodile. Well, you could have just killed the crocodile, dude. Then, he starts acting all sad about it and the nasty woman says “forget about him.”
Next, the sheriff and Tull find the crushed SUV… typical, the law enforcement just follow the trail of blood to the defenseless. Not that Cops can help people, but in this world you have to help yourself – you can’t rely on someone coming to save you.
The girls are walking through the woods and arguing when the meanest, dumbest most selfish girl falls down. Of course, a massive crocodile is two feet away from her immediately. The other girls tell her not to move – what is this thing a T-Rex? Well, she can resist being a bitch and she punches it… then, it swallows half of her in one bite. Then, a snake jumps on it and bites it. Then, the sheriff and Tull shoot the snake.
The evil business people steal a boat and go out into the lake. Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman forces Bobby-E out of the boat and he is eaten alive by a crocodile. Then they reach the other side of the lake. A snake attacks and eats the last remaining body guard, then a crocodile shows up. Tull and Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman keep walking through the woods… why didn’t the crocodile go after them? Well, they meet up with the Sheriff, Tull and the surviving girls. In front of them is two crocodiles attacking a male snake. Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman threatens to sue if the Sheriff or Tull shoot anything, so they don’t. Yeah, right… Well, then the female snake slithers in and cuts a crocodile in half with her tail. She throws the other crocodile up into the air and it hits Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman’s helicopter which was there to pick up the snake after they tranquilize it. Well, I guess that ain’t happening. The snake then hits Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman but instead of cutting her in half it just knocks her down for a second. So, two-ton crocodile gets cut in two by a snake tail, but 5’4 100 pound human woman doesn’t. Right… Everyone continues to stand around with their guns aimed at all the giant freaks until the female snake approaches Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman. Dingus Magee aims at it with his AR15 and she insults him and tells him not to shoot. So, instead of killing her, like it was going to, the snake eats Dingus Magee. He uses a grenade to blow it up from the inside and then Ms. Dr. Evil Business Woman threatens to sue all the survivors.
Robert Englund drags himself out of the lake. The camera pans over some anaconda eggs… the dumpster-fire of a movie ends. THANK GOD. One last note – I don’t want to be that guy, but the crocodiles in this movie look more like alligators. The animal on the poster actually looks more like a crocodile than what is featured in the film. Alligators have U-shaped heads with blunted meaty snouts, crocodiles have V-shaped heads with bony snouts.
Schlock & Awe...some 
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