Elves (1989)

Merry Christmas, everyone! To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior I’m going to watch a filthy, disgusting B-movie about a Nazi rape-experiment featuring a lusty, murderous elf. What?! It’s a Christmas movie… it has an elf in it… look, if Die Hard (1988) is a Christmas movie then Elves (1989) definitely is.

In 1989, schlock director Jeffrey Mandel filmed his first full length feature film with an ambitious plot featuring these key words (via IMDB):

• Nazis
• Eugenics
• Incest
• Cultists
• Rape
• Dan Haggerty
• Elves (1989)

In the darkness of night three young women find a secluded spot in an undisclosed section of forest to conduct an anti-Christmas protest of some kind. Dubbing themselves ‘the Sisters of Anti-Christmas’, the girls recite text from some sort of cultist doctrine and begin discussing how to properly execute their pagan ritual. One girl proudly displays her drawing of a nude virgin character, their proposed ritualistic mascot. She then suggests the three girl share a forbidden action, a secret to solidify their commitment to each other and better unify themselves. Is this a porno? So far everything is lining up that way…

Our lead, Kirsten, gives us exposition on her creepy grandfather, who is the rightful owner of the doctrine they are quoting from. In a freak candle-blowing-out accident, Kirsten cuts her hand and spills her virgin blood over the pine-straw covered ground as the girls flee the scene in fear. Unwarranted fear, but fear none-the-less. As they exit the forest, a twisted hand rises from the soil. The zombified elf follows their trail…

German grandpa finds Kirsten returning his book on the occult and begins interrogating her… after a few slaps to the face. If that isn’t enough, Kirsten Mom joins in on the excitement and announces that she is going to empty all of Kirsten’s life-savings from her bank account, a punishment for violating the house runs. What a bunch of Nazis!

After a hot shower, Kirsten sees her little brother spying on her outside the bathroom door. Donned in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas, the pervy boy can barely contain his excitement as he prances around his sister’s bedroom in total exuberance. Please pardon the profanity, but I have to document the lines of dialog from this scene:

“You little pervert!” Kirsten
“I’m not a pervert, I like seeing naked girls.” Willy
“I’m your fucking sister!” Kirsten
“And you’ve got big fucking tits and I’m going to tell everybody that I saw them!” Willy

Who is this kid, an 10-year-old Hugh Hefner? Willy then proceeds to tell Kirsten that their mother is moving her life savings into his bank account. After the confrontation, Kirsten throws Willy onto her bed and tickles him into submission… Not really a punishment, Kirsten. I’m pretty sure he liked that. Speaking of pervy guys, the exhumed elf watches this scene from the girl’s window, breathing heavily.

That night the elf breaks into the basement of the house and Solid Snakes his way into Willy’s room. The terrified little perv awakes to see the horrific face that mentally scars all children who ever have the misfortune of seeing it. His screams attract the attention of his sister, who comes into the room wearing only a t-shirt and panties. This has a very calming effect on the 10-year-old… he then describes the source of his night terror as “a ninja goblin“. When the two children explain this to their mother, she blames the family cat, Agamemnon. Willy has a potty-mouth! He drops F-bombs like an Obama-era drone pilot and his mother doesn’t seem to care one bit… meanwhile, Kristen goes out with her friends and has her bank account cleaned out. Something’s not right in Little Deutschland.

The next day, Kirsten and her two friends decide to go sit on the Mall-Santa’s lap. Ho Ho Ho… finally Christmas comes for Santa, and he’s about to move to the naughty list! Almost as if he overheard their conversation, suddenly an unemployed Grizzly Adams is desperately pleading with the manager to hire him as the mall-santa. It’s Dan Haggerty, everyone!

Indeed Naughty-Santa is in full-bloom. Kirsten hops unto Mall-Santa’s lap and he starts stroking her leg. When Kirsten asks for a white Christmas, Mall-Santa offers a tit-for-tat exchange: snow for oral sex. I think I would decline and renegotiate. That’s a bad deal, let me tell you…

As Kirsten is being sexually harassed at the mall, her mother is exacting revenge on the family cat for the alleged attack on Willy. As the poor, innocent feline is drinking some water from his bowl, Kirsten’s mother gently stuffs the small animal into a pillow case. Then, the deranged woman brings the cat to a toilet and drowns the defenseless pet to death. Too bad the kitty couldn’t have fought back. I must say… I didn’t like this scene. I believe the point was to show how cruel she is and how easy it was for Kirsten’s mother to kill the girl’s beloved pet over such a minor alleged incident. By the way, Kirsten’s mother has no name, she’s simply billed as ‘Kirsten’s Mother’. MOVING ON.

Mall-Santa is fired on the spot for his molestation of a minor. Kirsten is reprimanded for her part in the ‘bad public relations spectacle’. Naughty-Santa goes to change out of his suit and decides to do a few lines of cocainum first… because why not? But it’ll be his last bump. As he struggles to snort the drug a tiny killer enters the room with a tiny knife and starts stabbing the man in his genitals – a suitable punishment for his sexual advances against the elf’s virgin of choice, Kirsten. And by the number of thrusts, I’d say that the elf took great offense to the sexual harassment… Mall-Santa was shanked more than a jail-house snitch in a San Quentin shower-room. In the balls, no-less.

Kirsten’s last name is ‘Hiller‘… why does that sound so familiar?

A police detective arrives on the scene and begins his investigation. He notices the cocaine and hears about Kirsten’s incident with the victim. Putting two-and-two together, he decides to interview the girl, who obviously claims innocents, and she is. She goes home and discovers that her beloved pet is missing. Overhearing the girl’s concern, the elf begins to search for the cat’s remains and digs the animal’s cadaver up from it’s shallow grave in the yard. Ironically, the elf brings Kirsten the lifeless corpse and presents it as a gift, much like a cat would. “Is this what you’re looking for?”

Later that night, Kirsten is trying to get her mother to understand the situation. But, the arian woman just refuses to open her mind to the idea that an undead elf is plaguing their home and tormenting her children with gifts of animal carcasses and lustful midnight visits. Instead, she says “It was a raccoon.” Right… a raccoon broke a window in the basement, infiltrated the house, attacked your son, jumped through his second floor bedroom window, returned later to murder the family pet, then dug up a dead cat, carried it up a wall with one hand and pressed the animals decaying bloody body against a window while shrieking. That must be one jacked raccoon. And frankly, any animal that can do any of those things would have me in alert mode.

Arian Grandpa begins to show signs of concern. He asks Kirsten to elaborate on what she saw and the mother quickly shuts the conversation down. Afterwards, the women go to bed and the old man retires to his study to go through his books on the occult.

Grizzly Adams returns to the mall and is offered the Mall-Santa job, because why not. He flirts with Kirsten a little, then gets suited up for action. No, not like that… suited up like this. Afterwards, on his break Grizzly Adams takes a break and starts talking to the tape-outline of his predecessor. While talking to the man, whom has transitioned away from our mortal coil, Grizzly Adams clumsily drops some exposition about being a former mall detective. OK, when you are done laughing, help me understand what a ‘mall detective’ is. Is it a fancy way title of the guys who sit in a small room and watch women try on clothes via closed circuit TV? Yeah, that actually seems like a job Dan Haggerty would have…

Grizzly Santa finds a strange marking on the floor and decides to closely examine it, for no reason. He debates his inquisitive mind and struggles to ignore the clue to his predecessor’s death.

Meanwhile, back at the Hiller house, grandpa has visitors of the arian kind, one of which is at least nine-feet tall. The man is HUGE! They explain some of the plot: the elves are here on Earth to bring about a Fourth Reich and ensure the Nazi party and Arian race rule the world for eternity. The old man says “OK, but don’t hurt my granddaughter.”

At the mall, Grizzly Santa finishes his shift and simply cannot turn off his investigative mind. Since he has no where to go, and nothing else to do, the burly man visits his local library to do research on the somewhat familiar symbol he found at the crime scene.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for a book on religious symbols.” Grizzly Santa
“Occult sciences, section 666.” Librarian
“Are you kidding me, that’s gotta be a joke.” Grizzly Santa

Grizzly Santa finds a book that he remembered “from his college days” and turned to the page featuring the image he saw on the ground next to Naughty-Santa’s body. But, the image he is looking for has been cut out of the page. Deflated, yet resilient, Grizzly Santa’s intrigue is escalated.

Back at the mall, Kirsten and the other two ‘Sisters of Anti-Christmas’ gather after-hours in anticipation of getting deflowered by some local boys. So I guess there is no mall security after hours? They are free to do whatever they want, gain access to any and all stores and this is simply because they put tape over the lock of one door, thus keeping it from locking behind them.

Anyway, Grizzly Santa was evicted from the camper he was living in and has no place to sleep, so he also rigged the door to stay unlocked. Upon reentering the mall, Grizzly Santa sees evidence that he’s not alone and locks the external door, preventing anyone else from coming in.

Upstairs, the girls are trying on clothes. One girl puts on a really sexy set of lingerie and the other two mock her. I don’t get that… she looked great. But, whatever. Grizzly Adams hears commotion and decides to investigate. It doesn’t take long before he sees the girls. But he doesn’t notice the demented elf, lurking in the hallways. Grizzly Santa confronts the girls and Kirsten is smart enough to know that Grizzly Santa isn’t authorized to be there, either. So, they make a deal, if nothing is stolen or broken, he wont alert the authorities. That is a GOOD deal.

The boys discover that the door is now locked and they begin trying to break their way in. Then, behind them come the Nazis… they kill one of the boys and just let themselves in. Clueless Amy goes to get some sweet love and instead finds the Nazis… who mistake her for Kirsten. They put a bullet through her head. What a waste of perfectly good lingerie.

The Nazis see Grizzly Adams in the sporting goods store and start shooting at him. He takes a S&W revolver off the shelf and starts returning fire. Oh, the 80s. During the firefight, both Kirsten and Grizzly Santa see the elf among the shadows.

“What’s that?” Grizzly Santa
“A troll. I think it’s following me.” Kirsten
“Oh OK.” Grizzly Santa

As the Nazi’s and Grizzly Santa shoot it out, the elf finds Kirsten’s friend, Brooke, and stabs her to death. Why? I dunno… she wasn’t a threat, just terrified and seeking safety. All she and Amy wanted was to get laid and have a pizza. Now, their both dead. The elf then carved the same symbol found next to Naughty-Santa into the floor. A calling card? What’s the point? How intelligent is this elf? Well, anyway… the police arrive at the mall and the Nazis flee. The next day the homicide detective is on the scene. He immediately orders to have the entire mall dusted for prints. Hmm… it’s a mall, so that’s going to be difficult and you’re going to have a lot of prints to run. It might take a few years, are you OK with that, Detective?

“Mike, you never learn. You were one of the best detectives in the force and you drank your way out of a job.”

Homicide Detective

It’s the role Dan Haggerty was born to play! As expected, the detective doesn’t believe Grizzly Santa’s story. Likewise, the mall manager doesn’t believe Kirsten. He fires both employees and laments the state of the store. The two are ordered not to leave town and return to the Hiller house. There, Grizzly Santa tries to explain what he knows. Kirsten’s mother calls 911. On his way out, Grizzly Santa sees the symbol carved into a wooden trunk in the living room. Grandpa arian tells Kirsten to pack up, he wants to give her an exposition dump and teach her how to survive the situation.

Grizzly Santa goes to the local university and finds an eccentric professor who is a little too eager to help with the elf myth. He explains the history of elves, citing both fictional and nonfiction texts… then mentions how the Nazi Party believed in elves. But, alas, this man can only give Grizzly Santa half of the story, next he has to find another expert for the rest of the plot exposition.

“Oh, you’re asking if I believe in elves… well, no I don’t. But God did.“

Dr. Fitzgerald

At the Hiller house, grandpa is playing with a ‘magical’ stone thing and some religious items while reading his ancient Nazi texts on the occult. Upstairs, Kirsten is packing when her mother enters the room. Kirsten’s mother says that she talked to the police and her daughter’s story checks out. The multiple murders, vandalism, theft, breaking and entering and of course trespassing. For some reason Kirsten thinks that means her mother is sympathetic, but of course she’s not… she’s pissed! She asks Kirsten why she’s packing and the teenage girl explains that grandpa arian told her to. Kirsten’s mom tops-out on her level of bitchiness reaching 11/10, so Kirsten tells her mom that she wishes that it was her father who was still alive and not her mother. Fueled by years of pent up rage, Kirsten’s Mother shouts out the family secret:

“Your father isn’t dead. The man in the living room is your grandfather… AND YOUR FATHER!”

Kristen’s Mother

What is this, a family of Bidens? I haven’t seen such incestuous depravity since reading Hunter’s emails to the ‘Big Guy’.

At this point in the film, Grizzly Santa arrives at Dr. O’Connor’s home. Dr. O’Connor is the Nazi expert. Grizzly Santa barges into the house, walks into the dinning room where the professor is about to carve the turkey for his two young daughters and asks

“I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis.”

Grizzly Santa

Instead of say “What?”, Dr. O’Connor just starts spewing exposition. Phrases like “The Nazis experimented with the elves as assassination teams. They’re small, easily hidden, silent, vicious.” and “elves are the perfect soldiers” and “they can eat anything” and “they have magical powers, can’t be hurt or killed” and “the elves are a genetic experiment” and “they use their magical powers combined with a super enhanced sperm to mate with a virgin on Christmas eve to create the master race” … Alex Jones, are you getting all of this?

‘They don’t work for Santa anymore!’

Tagline

Well, I’m glad that’s sorted out.

Armed with this……… information……… Grizzly Santa speeds on down the road, back to Kirsten’s house where she has confronted grandpa off-screen. Upstairs, Kirsten’s Mother is drawing a hot bath and listening to some classical music on her radio. In the den, grandpa is explaining why inbreeding was absolutely necessary to create the genetically perfect, arian, blonde haired, blue-eyed virgin vessel to receive the… elf seed. What lofty expectations. Too bad she was so good at keeping her legs closed through high school. It would have made for a great twist to suddenly announce that she lost her virginity to Johnny-Football-Star on prom night last year. Being a slut could have saved her life! Anyway, Kirsten can’t take the exposition and she flees from her fatherpa. Meanwhile, her mother is losing her composure. While getting ready for that bath, the demented woman is smearing lipstick all over her face and crying.

Driving through the empty streets, Grizzly Santa needs a cigarette. He pushes his cigarette lighter but it wont function correctly. In an act of desperation and serious nicotine withdraw (Dan Haggerty hasn’t had a smoke in, like, a whole minute!) Grizzly Santa bangs his fist against the console of the dash until a comical ‘bomb’ device falls into the floor boards. Instead of grabbing the device and throwing it out of the open window, Grizzly Santa leaps from the car then watches as it coasts down the road and erupts into flames. One of the Nazi henchmen pulls up and gets out of his car to examine his handiwork. That’s when an irritable, nicotine withdrawn Grizzly Santa pounces on the younger, fitter man.

“Who the hell are you? What are you a Goddamned Nazi or something? Is that elf yours?”

Grizzly Santa

But, his questions go unanswered. The Nazi manages to poison himself and dies almost instantly.

Back at the house, Kirsten’s mother is finally in the bathtub as the elf enters the room. The little beast knocks the radio into the tub, which I saw coming from a mile away. The actress thrashes and splashes with somewhat convincing death throes, totally nude of course. We had to get some T&A in here, somewhere, right? I mean, it IS an 80s horror film. But it’s not the kind of nude scene anyone would ask for… well, not any normal person.

The power breakers are tripped, the house goes dark just as Grizzly Santa makes his entrance. He quickly finds Willy and Kirsten and the three of them go check on Kirsten’s mother. Written on the tub in her blood is the symbol. The woman inside is still trembling from the electricity coursing through her lifeless, charred body.

“She’s OK, she’s going to be fine.”

Grizzly Santa

Downstairs, the three run into fatherpa, babbling nonsense about the myth. He explains that they have until midnight to prevent the, uh, raping? The rest of the Nazis barge in and we have a good old fashioned brawl. Fatherpa tells Kirsten how to kill the elf and the two kids run into the forest to hide. Grizzly Santa buys them time by fighting the Nazis in hand-to-hand combat… until the giant Nazi shoots Grizzly Santa with a Luger.

Deep in the woods, the last remaining Nazi catches up to the two children and reassures Kirsten that he wont let any harm come to them. Then, a gunshot rings out. We cut to a shot of the elf, Luger in hand. This nasty little creature just murdered a Nazi and now it’s time to breed the master race. Kirsten tripped and fell to the ground and for some reason she can’t move… because the script says so, I guess. The nasty little creature tries over and over again to mount Kirsten, but she keeps pushing him off. The creature then tries foreplay, but Kirsten just ain’t having any of it. She tells the elf that she has a headache, so he goes downstairs to watch Sports Center and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon until he passes out. Kirsten puts the stone thing that her fatherpa had lying around into the ground where the elf originally emerged from and that killed him. Go figure.

That was… fun. I’ll leave you with this thought provoking quote:

“Joey, nobody’s better than you, but you’re no better than anybody else…”

Ambrose Finnegan