This late 80s post-apocalyptic film was directed by Donald G. Jackson, wait… the Donald G. Jackson? The guy who directed all those stupid roller blade films on a piggy-bank budget? Zen-filmmaker Donald G. Jackson? Oh God, please no…
I’m calling out sick.
So ‘Zen-filmmaking‘ is basically an unscripted production in which the actors are told the purpose of the scene and allowed to totally improvise the rest. It was originally devised by martial-artist/stuntman Scott Shaw and his band of B-movie filmmaker-friends (on their way home from a 1980s Burning Man festival, no doubt). LSD is the only explanation for this filming concept. If you can sit through The Roller Blade Seven (1991), you’re a better man than me. I’m willing to sit through some really bad movies… but not that. Not that…
Fun Fact: Apparently, Donald G. Jackson directed nine movies, wrote another thirteen scripts and produced fourteen movies AFTER he died in 2003. Also, Roddy Piper was credited for acting in four films, posthumously.
Can you believe it? Some moron gave Donald G. Jackson $1.5 million dollars to make a movie with… what were they thinking?! First thing the hack-director did was hire Canadian wrestler Roddy “Rowdy” Piper as the lead. What, was Zap Rowsdower busy hosting a denim convention in Moose Jaw? Then, Jackson wrote a script about a post-apocalyptic world in which only 68% of the male population survived world-war three. And of the remaining men, most are sterile – shooting blanks, can’t slip one past the goalie… impotent. But not Roddy Piper… OH NO! His boys can swim… like a greasy Michael Phelps on Red Bull. Super-virile wasteland scavenger Sam Hell (Roddy Piper) is assigned the task of helping rescue a group of nubile women from a horde of mutant frog-humanoids. So Blindman (1971)… with more amphibians and fewer Beatles. Which would make sense.
“… should have hired Roger Corman.”
Producers
Scumbag Sam Hell is a wanted man. Wanted by the US Government for his illegal activities… and wanted by every fertile woman in range of his unnaturally potent mobile ‘seed-factory’. In a war-scarred world with an under-population problem, a man like Sam Hell can really thrive. Upon his arrest and processing, nurses at the federal penitentiary discover his unique ability to impregnate beautiful young women and recruit him for a special mission to do exactly that, on a country-wide tour. Seriously, this is the plot so far. Sam is briefed of his new purpose in life and given a legal document to sign… then, he’s briefed on his new metal briefs – an electronically locked reverse-chastity device that protects his junk from sustaining any damage out in the cursed-Earth. Access to his reproductive organs is now controlled solely by the provisional government… that was in the small-print.
‘A new breed of enemy has taken over the world… Sam Hell has come to take it back.’
Tagline
After all the sex stuff is out of the way, Sam is briefed on a violent raid that took place at some commune where several hundred people were murdered and a half-dozen nubile women were taken hostage. Frog-humanoids have acquired guns and used them against humans, unlawfully. So, wait… gun control doesn’t work in the future either?! I’m SHOCKED!! So, to combat the bad-guys with guns, the government sends in good-guys with guns (and an erection). It’s an amazingly bold strategy and who knows if it could work… it’s not like human combat has ever been studied or documented before.
In the car ride to Frogtown, Sam is escorted by MedTech nurse and field agent Spangle (Sandahl Bergman) and a female soldier with an itchy trigger finger, Corporal Centinella (Cec Verrell). Spangle fills Sam in on their current mission:
“We’re going to get them out, then you are going to get ’em pregnant.”
Spangle
After stopping for gas, Sam makes a break-for-it. His junk is shocked by the government-installed device once he gets a few yards away… He submits (obviously). That night, Spangle tries to seduce Sam and is rejected… But she explains that it’s part of her assignment to keep him ‘excited’… to promote potency. Amazing. Later, Corporal Centinella has a go at it and gets much much farther with the stimulation. I don’t know if it worked for Sam, but suddenly the laptop I’m typing on is leaning off-center.
The two women find a stray girl roaming around the wilderness alone and determine that she’s ovulating. After apprehending the girl, Spangle injects the girl with a date-rape drug and orders Sam to get to work with the whole impregnation thing. Just like that. So, he resists the command to rape the child while she’s in a drug-induced state… then proceeds to do so. Bill Cosby would be proud…
In the morning, the girl is totally compliant. She tells them all about the local chapter of Frog-people and where to find Frogtown. Man, the night before this girl was catatonic from fear, she gets raped and suddenly she’s a freedom fighter! Sam does have a gift!
The three ‘heroes’ put their vehicle out of sight and get prepared to infiltrate Frogtown. Spangle poses as a sex-slave, lead through the streets by a collar & chain grasped by Sam Hell. This film has undone decades of the women’s rights movement. The two enter a sleazy Frog-bar where Sam meets an old friend named Looney Tunes (Rory Calhoun). While waiting for their inside man to make contact, Sam orders a toxic beverage. He takes one sip of the potentially radioactive frog-brew and spits it out in disgust. This could be a gay-bar, after-all, and Sam doesn’t want to take any chances considering his newfound role in society. Mr. Tunes arranges a meeting between Sam and the town’s kingpin. But as Sam is negotiating a deal: Spangle for information, the henchman… or henchfrog of the film intervenes. Bull, the henchfrog, coldcocks Sam and takes Spangle for his own.
As Sam is getting molested by a Frogwoman confidant to the cause, Bull offers Spangle to a group of militant Frogs. Sam narrowly escapes some sort of trans-species mating ritual and uses his crotch-devise to locate the abducted agent in an arms-deal. But, as Sam leans in to observe the surroundings, he falls face-first into a crate of shotguns and is, once again, knocked unconscious. Worst Canuck Action Star ever.
“… should have hired Zap Rowsdower.”
Producers
As Sam is being interrogated via chainsaw, Spangle is being indoctrinated into the harem of fertile babes and their two Frogtown allies are working on a scheme to free them. Bull successfully removes the unchastity-device, Frogwoman shows up and sacrifices herself to save Sam, who then kills Bull. Describing how all this happened is not worth our time, trust me. Meanwhile, elsewhere on the compound Spangle has to perform a sexy-dance for Jabba… I mean Toty the Frog King. Just when Toty’s ‘three snakes’ are appropriately aroused, Sam kicks the door in, dual-wielding shotguns and announces that he has come to chew gum and kick ass… but he’s out of gum? Something like that.
One good thing about this movie is the pacing.
The two ‘heroes’ fight their way out of the complex and rescue the nubile hotties as Centinella arrives in their getaway car. Together, the ‘heroes’ ride out into the wasteland with the Frogs in hot pursuit. Toty in his armored Mad Max car catch-up but are out maneuvered by the humans, who once again get away. So movie over, good-guys won, right? Not so fast… it ain’t over ’til it’s over… right Matt Ryan? The group of ‘heroes’ are soon surprised when the human arms-dealer forces them to stop and disarm. Sam quickly gets the jump on the villain, impaling him with a short sword and effortlessly shoots the injured man through the head with a single shot via Desert Eagle (how appropriate). Sam equips himself with the arms-dealer’s RPG and sets out to find Toty, who has now caught up with the gang, again.
Sam Hell confronts the Frogs, aims the RPG at their vehicle before telling the soldiers to run for the hills. With them out of the way, Sam unloads his Desert Eagle at Toty’s direction. But now Sam’s accuracy is non-existent and he misses the giant frog with every shot. Now devoid of ammo, Sam and Toty have epic hand-to-hand combat in a very familiar setting. Sam wins, reunites with Spangle, Centinella and the virgins… Humanity is free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment without all the Muto-Frogie Okie-Doke. Of course the experience has created a bond between the two leads which is bluntly confirmed by their passionless dialog. Sam mentions that he’s glad it’s over and Spangle (his love interest) reminds him that he’s under contract to forcefully impregnate the girls they just rescued… and it’s played off as a reward for his efforts with a wink and a smile. “Well, if I must, Yuk-yuk!…” So, for risking his life and preventing some girls from being raped he’s awarded a license to rape?
Lets end on that.
Schlock & Awe...some 