After the massive success of Star Wars (1977), production companies just couldn’t rip the film off fast enough. Movie-goers wanted more adventures in space. Their money was burning a hole in their pockets and low-budget rip-off specialists like Roger Corman salivated at the idea of being on the sticky, popcorn covered theater carpets to catch their fill of the loose cash. But, in order to lure people in to see the film, Corman knew he had to up his game and produce something marketable… because he had stiff competition from his peers in the second-rate space-opera genre.
Corman, who founded New World Pictures, managed to scrounge up $2 million for the production budget. The cast Corman wanted combined with his ambitious but unoriginal script quickly ate up the tidy sum. And only Corman’s industry-famous creativity and wit could ultimately make his vision come true by assembling a makeshift crew of hungry unknowns looking to make a name for themselves. And it would eventually pay off for Alec Gillis, James Cameron, James Horner and the Skotak brothers. Not to mention assistant production manager Gale Anne Hurd as well as future character actor Bill Paxton working as a carpenter and set painter.
Starring George Peppard, Robert Vaughn, Sybil Danning and John Saxon Battle Beyond The Stars (1980) also features noteworthy acting from Sam Jeffe, Richard Thomas, Earl Boen and an unaccredited appearance of totally unfunny snowflake-comedian Kathy Griffin as a creepy alien (good casting, there).
‘Rebels. Outlaws. Mercenaries. Seven magnificent warriors join to fight the… Battle Beyond the Stars.’
Tagline
I mentioned that the script was ‘unoriginal’, here’s why: This film is a futuristic remake of Seven Samurai (1954) and its Hollywood remake The Magnificent Seven (1960). That’s right, Corman saved time and money by rehashing a plot that has been successfully used… TWICE. Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai is one of the most respected and highly critiqued films of all time (#19 of IMDB’s Top 100 list). But I’m a western fan at heart and I love all adaptations of the Magnificent Seven, including the highly underrated television series featuring Michael Biehn. I guess I have to acknowledge at some point that I have a massive man-crush on Michael Biehn. And I’m not the least bit ashamed of that fact… LOOK AT HIM! So cool…
OK… let’s rock!
The film opens on a slow-moving model drifting through space. This ship is the flagship of Sador, our villain of the week played by John Saxon. As the ship approaches a planet of less-developed humans known as Akir, Sador and his crew evaluate the value of plundering the peaceful planet. From his dimly lit bridge, Sador gives the order to destroy a space-vessel orbiting the planet. Obliterating their weather-observatory station serves as a display of Sador’s might and discourages the farmers from attempting to resist his dominance over them. Regardless, the galactic dictator gives a rather blunt public-service-announcement in-which he demands their planet as a colony, all future harvests and complete obedience from the people of Akir.
“Your harvest comes in seven risings of your red giant. I will return then, and you will accept me as your master. If you do not submit, your planet and all life on it will be burned to ash.”
Sador of the Malmori
As a further demonstration of his power over them, Sador orders his men to shoot a few random townsfolk. The message is loud and clear… The pacifist leaders of the planet immediately bow to Sador’s iron-fist. Except one town-elder, an aged blind man who suggests forming a resistance. As he argues with the weak-willed yellow-belly community organizer guy, young Shad bravely offers to go out into the universe and seek help in staving off the evil Malmori invasion.
… well I somehow got totally distracted. I went to search for a silly picture of Obama and somehow got into someone’s ‘cowgirls‘ Pinterest feed. Getting my mind back in control and leaving that stream of hotness was difficult to say the least. And suddenly, there’s much less free space on my hard-drive…
So after these poor farmers assign young Shad the task to find warriors to fight for the liberation of their world we are introduced to Nell, the sass-talking, busty heroine ship owned by the blind man, Zed. Yeah, the space ship has boobs… Sybil Danning isn’t the only character in this flick that has a great rack on display… James Cameron, you pervert.
Two Malmorians are patrolling Akir, watching for out-going ships and they spot Nell and Shad leaving the planet. Though they engage in hot pursuit, Shad refuses to return fire on their ship, much to Nell’s displeasure. She taunts and berates the young man, calling him a coward for not destroying the Malmori vessel before he explains himself. He states that if he destroyed them then Sador would punish the Akirians in return. And he gambles that the two Malmorians would rather let them go unreported than admit to their temperamental ruler that they were incompetent and incapable of fulfilling their assigned task of blockading the planet. Clever boy…
“Poor kids are just as bright as white kids.”
Joe Biden
Nell takes Shad to an ominous space-station ran by a mad-scientist named Dr. Hephaestus, who dabbles in robotics. Also inhabiting the station is his hot daughter (of course) Nanelia and dozens of the automatons. And if you guessed that a series of catastrophic events would eventually lead to Nanelia leaving the space-station with Shad… you’d be right.
“I have to warn you, I’ve heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.”
Jack Traven, Speed (1994)
After meeting Nanelia and a handful of robot drones, Shad is escorted to Dr. Hephaestus’ personal chamber where he (or what’s left of the man) resides. Shad pleads for help, weapons specifically, but the wise old man has a different agenda altogether… instead of offering the tools to fight off Sador and his forces, Dr. Hephaestus insists that Shad stay and mate with Nanelia, begin a new civilization on the station… a kind of Adam & Eve thing. Well, Shad isn’t that kind of guy… He’s committed to the cause and refuses the chance to live every man’s dream – I mean, refuses the cold and sterile confinements of the space-station with it’s unending sources of food, shelter and the companionship of a beautiful, soft, warm young woman for the greater good of Akir. Good for him… I think.
Nanelia agrees that Shad shouldn’t be held against his will and defies her father’s wishes. She helps Shad escape her bedroom and the young man races back to Nell to leave the station for good. As they prepare to exit, Nanelia makes the decision to leave as-well… abandoning her father and his army of drones.
A-Team star George Peppard plays the role of Cowboy, an Earthling space-trucker who for no apparent reason dresses as a stereotypical Hollywood ‘cowboy’. Now I can appreciate a little cosplay as much as the next guy… but, this is Hannibal Freaking Smith! People cosplay HIM!
As Shad and Nanelia are on their way to Akir with their tails between their legs, Nell encounters a group of ‘jackers’ attempting to hijack a freighter. Shad decides to give aid to the unarmed ship and ‘burst his murder cherry’. With a little encouragement from the equally bloodthirsty AI, the two blast the four ‘jackers’ into space-debris… much to the delight of the space-trucker… because Cowboy loves it when a plan comes together. Wait… why would Hannibal Smith be coasting through open space without any weapons? Not even his trusty stainless steel Ruger Mini-14? That’s not a plan at all! That’s something Murdock would do!
Shad recruits Cowboy to help with the cause, despite the man’s lack of confidence in their chances of defeating Sador. And guess what the space-trucker was hauling… weapons. How convenient.
As the two guys are discussing their new arrangement, Nanelia’s ship is attacked by some bad special effects. Just as she is about to succumb to the alien’s digestive-system, a reptilian creature and his crew rescue the woman and her small ship. Once on board their vessel, they introduce themselves: Cayman (the captain), two Kelvins (two big-headed little people) and Quopeg (some kind of Moby Dick reference?). Once Cayman hears that they are on their way to fight Sador, he and his crew join the cause… for revenge.
Meanwhile, Nell and Shad accidentally converge with some kind of formless vessel used by a telepathic race of white people, collectively called Nestor. The spokesman of the group explains that they have been monitoring the galaxy and took interest in the fight for Akir’s freedom. Nestor offers to join simply out of boredom. I’m not joking…
Quickly, Shad lands Nell on a barren planet and finds a hatch that leads down into a substructure. Deep beneath the surface of the planet, Shad finds an unkempt casino littered with spiderwebs, run down gambling machines, some kind of disfigured robot hooker and a throne with a very lonely Robert Vaughn sitting in it. Vaughn, who plays Gelt (which is Yiddish for gold) explains that he’s a galactic crime-boss who’s all that’s left of his organization. He has all the wealth a man could ever want, but he can’t show his face anywhere in the universe for fear of recognition and apprehension. Shad tells the master criminal about his cause and Gelt agrees to help, if they will feed him and give him a place to hide from authorities. This is too easy…
So, Sybil Danning is some kind of space Valkyrie. I’d be curious to hear her answer the question: ‘What is best in life?’ A warm metal bikini and a sharp ax? To hear the lamentation of her boyfriend’s exes? Well, as the group is collecting outside the ‘Lambda Sector’ (you know where that is…) Valkyrie swoops in and starts showing off her skills as a pilot. At first she annoys the group, but in the end she wins their approval and joins them. Why? Well, she is a Valkyrie… she just wants to fight and die with honor I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Once they reach Akir, Gelt chases down and destroys the Malmori patrol. So, the cat’s out of the bag. Next, the mercenaries land on the planet and we have the corny scene in all these movies in-which the villagers hide from their hired help. I don’t get it… I understand the purpose is to show how cowardly they are but it always seems so stupid. Is there not a single person on the planet who is courageous or crazy enough to be excited for their arrival? No one with the balls to greet them? Where’s Zed, the blind guy? This whole plot was his freaking idea!!
Well, the Akirians eventually come out and reluctantly greet their hired help. Following this obtuse scene is a montage showing the heroes staging defenses, planning their strategies and bonding with the townsfolk. Valkyrie is speaking in sexual innuendo to Nanelia about Shad… Then there’s George, in his subpar ‘The Wild Bunch‘ cosplay… flirting with the local babes, pouring whiskey into a glass from his crotch? Oh, George… you’re better than this, bro. And wow, what a terrible place to store highly-flammable liquids. Keep the explosions behind you, Cowboy… not in your lap.
As the Malmorian horde rapidly approaches, the Akirians and their hired protectors enjoy the calm before the storm. Valkyrie prepares her weapons, Shad and Nanelia exchange a kiss then awkwardly attempt flirtation, Cowboy plays his harmonica and the Kelvins sit in the center of the large group, emitting a calming warmth from their small bodies. The two heat-producing aliens sit back-to-back, which is customary for the child-size species… that way a confused and aroused Joe Biden can’t sneak up from behind and inappropriately sniff them… as is customary for Bidens.
“Everyone knows I like kids better than people”
Joe Biden
A piercing alarm brings everyone back to the dire threat they are about to face: Sador and his Malmorians have entered the system. Our heroes initiate their plan to lure out the Malmorian fighters, eliminate them one-by-one and then use their combined firepower against the flagship. It’s not a complicated plan… in fact it’s about as simple and straight-forward as a plan could possibly be. But, it works. Valkyrie lures out a group of fighters into a trap. Once sprung, the remaining four ships defending Akir systematically reveal themselves and pick off the attacking fighters, leaving Sador’s flagship unprotected as it slowly approaches the planet. Meanwhile, Malmorian troops land on the surface of Akir and engage the townsfolk, lead by Cowboy. The Earthling sends wave after wave of Akirians into the great Malmorian maw, eventually clogging the war-machine with farmer entrails. Every mercenary utilizes their unique skill set and the Akirians win battle after battle.
However, Sador’s forces manage to capture a member of the Nestor. Sador interrogates this being as his personal surgeon severs the white-skinned alien’s arm. Then, the appendage is used to replace Sador’s non-functional limb. The Nestor dies as result of the barbaric surgery. After Sador gets the arm transplant, Nestor regain control of Sador’s new right arm. Using their telepathy, Nestor attempt to assassinate Sador with it. As the arm attempts to cut the galactic war-lord’s throat with his own knife, Sador orders his surgeon to remove the rebellious appendage… back to the drawing board. All joking aside, this series of scenes haunted me as a child. To this day it gives me the willies…
This aspect of the plan failed. It was clever, but how could they possibly know that Sador needed a replacement arm. Or that he’d try to take one from the invaluable prisoner that the Malmorians captured? Moving on…
With most of the Malmori fighters destroyed, the remaining heroes decide to launch a full-frontal attack on the flagship. Nestor get wiped out, Gelt sacrifices himself, as does Valkyrie. Cowboy decides to join the fight with his freighter (which all-the-sudden has laser weapons). Cayman gets into a scuffle with Sador. I’m starting to get b-movie flashbacks to Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988), that movie in-which a wrestler faces-off against a killer frog.
Sador boldly accepts ALL challengers.
Cowboy’s attack run is fruitless. As is Cayman’s. Sador’s ship simply guns them down in less than spectacular fashion… leaving only Nell, piloted by Shad and Nanelia. The inexperienced young man decides to just ‘go for it‘, not having any idea what ‘it‘ is. Flying straight into the fray of battle, Nell is immediately damaged beyond repair. With most of the AI’s memory bank and offensive systems fried, there are few options left. Shad engages Nell’s auto-destruct and takes Nanelia to the escape pod. Nell manages to attach to the hull of the Malmorian flagship and detonate after the two young lovers clear the blast radius. The movie ends.
This is the worst version of this classic tale that I’ve seen… but when you consider it’s competition, star-studded critically acclaimed works for motion picture art, it’s to be expected.
Schlock & Awe...some 